Catch-up and a big revelation

Since I left off at Halloween, I'll do a quick catch up. Here is the costume Melanie ended up going with. She tried on the Frankenstein's Punk thing from the photo below, but it was rather poorly made, scratched and the hat was creased from the packaging and didn't look good. So, she was a cute little witch!

I got my new computer all set-up and working great! Due to a temporary glitch, I wasn't able to use PSP, it would get stuck on the registration process. So, I broke down and used my copy of PS I'd only looked at and cowered in front of! LOL So, now I'm using Photoshop regularly and I'm no longer intimidated by it! The PSP installation process turned out was caused by my NVidia card, I had to upgrade the driver and then it finished the process smoothly. I had even resorted to going back in versions, I found my old PSP 8 and was using it, but I was frustrated by the lack of features I'd come to rely upon and my inability to use my scripts (they weren't compatible with that version). So, I'm forging ahead with Photoshop and since I finally felt comfortable enough with the program, I signed up with Tandika's DigiScrapDesigner, annual membership. I will be joining the Mentor program in a couple days, I just need to write up my essay about why I want to become a designer.

My mother passed away November 26th. She was 83, she had lupus for 64 years (actually she is in the medical records as the first person to survive lupus) and she had emphysema for the last 12 years (she smoked for almost 55 years.) My dad passed away about 10 years ago. These were my adopted parents, they adopted me when I was born. My birth mother died four years ago, I didn't get to meet her. I have no information on my birth father, my birth mother refused to reveal his name. Here is a link to her obituary. We think we have a workable solution for my sister's living situation. We'll know how it's working in a few weeks and I'm prepared to fly there if needed. She didn't want to come to live near us, as she has her friends and a good support system in place back there. (Lori was 16 and riding a motorcycle with her boyfriend, when a drunk driver sideswiped her, ~very long story later~, she now has the mentality of a 8-10 year old, she can't work or drive, but can do a lot still. That was devastating to me, she was my best friend and I completely idolized her.) This has been an incredibly emotional period as you can imagine. I went through all my mom's drawers and part of her closet. The woman was such a pack rat! She never met a garbage can she liked! She claimed she had everything in order, however, we discovered she didn't have anything set up, arranged for, what a mess! Lori told me last night, she had almost finished cleaning out mom's closet and drawers. Now, just the rest of the apartment to go!

I haven't been open with many people about my adopted mother and our relationship. Frankly, she was a horrible woman. She treated family members like dirt, she was extremely abusive to me. I lived in physical fear of her; she terrorized me in private for most of my life. As a child I was severely abused emotionally, physically and mentally. I've been in and out of therapy for the last 10 years trying to come to terms with my past. I've suffered on an off my entire life from severe clinical depression. In the past 18 months I have had 3 emotional breakdowns and have been suicidal. This past summer, I tried a new therapist. He is outstanding, very astute, very perceptive. He said he thought I am suffering from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I read the diagnosis information, did some online research and was just floored. It fit me exactly. It addressed all my symptoms. For the first time in years, I have hope for reaching a normal emotional balance and living out a happier life. PTSD is a medically recognized anxiety disorder that occurs in normal individuals under extremely stressful conditions and PTSD can go un-diagnosed for years because it does present closely to or in conjunction with depression; however, the treatments are different. After years of not getting anywhere and feeling so completely hopeless, I now have hope, I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Here is a brief overview of Complex PTSD I copied from the web:

What are examples of captivity that are associated with chronic trauma?

Judith Herman notes that during long-term traumas, the victim is generally held in a state of captivity. In these situations the victim is under the control of the perpetrator and unable to flee.

Examples of captivity include:

• Concentration camps
• Prisoner of War camps
• Prostitution brothels
• Long-term domestic violence
• Long-term, severe physical abuse
• Child sexual abuse
• Organized child exploitation rings

What are the symptoms of Complex PTSD?

The first requirement for the diagnosis is that the individual experienced a prolonged period (months to years) of total control by another. The other criteria are symptoms that tend to result from chronic victimization. Those symptoms include:

* Alterations in emotional regulation, which may include symptoms such as persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or inhibited anger

* Alterations in consciousness, such as forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes in which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body

* Alterations in self-perception, which may include a sense of helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different than other human beings

* Alterations in the perception of the perpetrator, such as attributing total power to the perpetrator or becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, including a preoccupation with revenge

* Alterations in relations with others, including isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer

* Alterations in one's system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair

What other difficulties do those with Complex PTSD tend to experience?

Survivors may avoid thinking and talking about trauma-related topics because the feelings associated with the trauma are often overwhelming.

Survivors may use alcohol and substance abuse as a way to avoid and numb feelings and
thoughts related to the trauma.

Survivors may also engage in self-mutilation and other forms of self-harm.

Summary

The current PTSD diagnosis often does not capture the severe psychological harm that occurs with prolonged, repeated trauma. For example, long-term trauma may impact a healthy person's self-concept and adaptation. The symptoms of such prolonged trauma have been mistaken for character weakness. Research is currently underway to determine if the Complex PTSD diagnosis is the best way to categorize the symptoms of patients who have suffered prolonged trauma

Additionally, I found this:

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, is a psychiatric disorder that can occur following the experience or witnessing of life-threatening events such as military combat, natural disasters, terrorist incidents, serious accidents, abuse (sexual, physical, emotional, ritual), and violent personal assaults like rape. People who suffer from PTSD often relive the experience through nightmares and flashbacks, have difficulty sleeping, and feel detached or estranged, and these symptoms can be severe enough and last long enough to significantly impair the person's daily life.

PTSD is marked by clear biological changes as well as psychological symptoms. PTSD is complicated by the fact that it frequently occurs in conjunction with related disorders such as depression, substance abuse, problems of memory and cognition, and other problems of physical and mental health. The disorder is also associated with impairment of the person's ability to function in social or family life, including occupational instability, marital problems and divorces, family discord, and difficulties in parenting.

An estimated 7.8 percent of Americans will experience PTSD at some point in their lives, with women (10.4%) twice as likely as men (5%) to develop PTSD. About 3.6 percent of U.S. adults aged 18 to 54 (5.2 million people) have PTSD during the course of a given year. This represents a small portion of those who have experienced at least one traumatic event; 60.7% of men and 51.2% of women reported at least one traumatic event. The traumatic events most often associated with PTSD for men are rape, combat exposure, childhood neglect, and childhood physical abuse. The most traumatic events for women are rape, sexual molestation, physical attack, being threatened with a weapon, and childhood physical abuse.

You can find more information at http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/

I made this layout shortly before Christmas. This was hard for me to do. It's just the beginning of some therapeutic layouts I plan to create. If you click on it, it will come up large enough to read without a magnifying glass. :):

Supplies:
Debbie Pearson - Spirit of Christmas (recolored portion of bow/swirly element)
Anita Stergiou - WhiteXmas_Paper02 (purple used on swirl)
Fonts: Times New Roman, One Fell Swoop, CK Holiday Spirit
Template: Liz Newberry - ScrapTherapy template

In other happier news, Violet, our very old dog is still with us. Goodness, I'm beginning to think she might make it another year or more! She's over 14 now (born at the end of September 1992) and doesn't seem to be deteriorating further. Here she is on Christmas Eve:


Melanie was a very lucky little girl this year. She got to go to the American Girl Place twice in less than a month! Each time watching a show! The day before Thanksgiving, she and I went for our annual trip. (click on the links to go to the AG website and see details.) We had Lunch, power shopped and then when to see the The American Girls Revue^® . Melanie had saved her money for over a year and had $228 to spend. So Mommy (me) added another $254 and she bought Jess (you can't get Jess any longer, but you can see what she looked like,) a new set of the longer haired Bitty Twins, you can see what they look like and what they came with HERE; there were a few more items for the dolls and a couple AG Place souvenirs. Here she is at lunch in the AG Place Cafe, (we got her and her doll the Pajamas the doll at the table is wearing; the pj's were for Christmas Eve night):

Now for the last few years, Grandma has been taking Melanie and I to The Walnut Room at Marshall Fields. Since Macy's bought Marshall Fields and changed the name (they promised to keep The Walnut Room) my mother-in-law wanted to do something else. Melanie quickly suggested American Girl Place, so back we went on December 16. We went to Afternoon Tea with Grandma, and afterwards, saw An American Girl Holiday Celebration. Afterward, we met Daddy and Grandpa, drove around the downtown and saw the lights. Here is Grandma and Melanie at tea:
I think the American Girl store has enough of our family's money for some time! LOL It was very enjoyable and I love making memories with my daughter! I hope she will remember these times with real fondness.

Now, if you made it this far in this marathon post, you deserve a reward! :) I've uploaded the decorative chrome element I used on the header (I added an embossed 'K' for the header), plus a couple papers, a png you can use as a brush, oh heck, call it a mini kit! Here's the link: http://d.turboupload.com/d/1391078/kld_-bloggift.zip.html

Here is the preview (this isn't proportional and only shows a piece of each paper):