New Year and New Focus

Ok, well it has again been a very long time since I've blogged. I've had so many changes in the last couple years and I didn't share much of anything. I've been hesitant to blog about my honest feelings, what really happens in my life, my thoughts. This is something that is reflected in my personal life too. I keep so much inside and hidden, always afraid of being judged, disapproved of and ridiculed. Well, I've decided to put an end to the hiding of my true self and just let it all out. The good, the bad and the sometimes nutty! LOL

I'm going to try to post both current and go back in time for some catch up for any family or friends who might want to know more about me and my life. It may seem a little schizophrenic at times, but maybe not, maybe you too think in pieces and jump around cause your brain goes so fast sometimes!

So my daughter and I watched the Rose Parade on Monday, 1/2. It was a beautiful day, they commented that it was the best weather in 10 years and the rose this year was this yellow rose, called Sunshine Daydream. All I could think was "why is it all washed out?" It was all yellow and orange and looked like they had left the flowers out in the sun much too long! I wondered where all the vibrant and diverse colors went to, very disappointing. Speaking of vibrant colors. One of my favorite blogs is http://catchycolors.blogspot.com/ "Showcasing the BEST of COLORS on Flickr.Com" You should definitely check it out!

So, first truism about me: I am fat. Really fat. Not as fat as I used to be, but fat. Today I weighted 217.4, this is up 12 lbs from just a couple months ago. Stress and the holidays have taken their toll. About 3 years ago I hit an all time high at 292.4 lbs. So, I can look at the bright side and say: "Hey, you lost 75 lbs! Good for you!" But I weighed this much last year, well, maybe 10 lbs more, but still, I'm disappointed in myself. Why you may ask? Well, I worked my butt off to lose weight to qualify for bariatic surgery. I had surgery on 6/30/2010 weighing in that day at 258. I had lap band surgery. After 18 months, I had hoped to be near my goal, just just down 41 lbs. I can't entirely blame things on the surgery, I'll admit it, I'm an emotional eater. But I don't think I was given the full picture when I had surgery. I thought it was closer to gastric bypass. My surgeon is a skilled doctor, but his practice seems to be more sales related than medical. He said things like "lap band patients have similar results at the 5 year mark that gastric bypass patients experience." What I didn't realize was that is because the bypass people gain back a bunch of weight starting after year 3, so lap banders lose only a fraction of what bypass people lose. I was also disillusioned to learn a month after surgery of an entire other option that was never mentioned to me: gastric sleeve. My doctor started offering this the month after my surgery. When I asked why he didn't tell me about it, he said he was waiting for the 5 year statistics to come out to offer the surgery. Well, I still think he had a duty to tell me about it and let me decide if I wanted to wait for those statistics to arrive before I had my surgery. So the lap band is a tool, not a solution and I haven't been using that tool to it's full potential. I am going to try again. If I follow my portion sizes and don't snack, it works like a charm. It's sticking to the small portions when the food is so yummy and the snacks are so handy and I'm so stressed.

Next truism: I'm stressed! I told my husband in September, on Labor Day, I wanted a divorce. 4 days later he got laid off. :( It isn't antagonistic or nasty or anything bad, I've fallen out of love and grown away from him. So, in good conscious, I couldn't leave him in a financial lurch. He refinanced the house against my wishes in 10/2009, and my name isn't on the mortgage for the first time in 20 years. So while it wouldn't kill my credit, as a good person, I couldn't let him go into debt and ruin his credit. So I canceled my hold on an apartment (lost my deposit) and moved into the spare room. (Here is a prime example of why I've fallen out of love - a gentleman would have insisted on a) moving to the spare room or b) taking turns having the good bed, but not my guy, his sleep is more important than mine. He's told me this on more than one occasion. Yeah. OK. ) So for the last 4 months, things have been tense. He does not want a divorce, he says he loves me with all his heart, and I don't doubt that for a moment, he hasn't changed in 21 years. I have however changed and grown and little by little, fallen out of love so that now I feel more like a sister than a wife. So this also creates a dollop of guilt. Sigh...

I'm stress continued: I'm working a high pressure job with a ton of overtime. I'm a loan processor for a major bank with a LOT of rules. One rule, you aren't supposed to talk about where you work or post it on facebook or social networks for fear of financial impropriety or who knows what. So, I won't name them here. Anyway, they give us so much work, they are so busy with the refinances, they don't have enough people to handle the work flow. They are hiring like crazy, but not not keeping up with the demand. So, I work at least 8 hours to some weeks 22 hours of OT, that is just one week. I'm getting home at 8, 8:30, and 9:oo pm. My daughter misses me and I miss her. I have no time to myself. I eat to sooth myself. This is self-destructive. Until I started working here, I worked out doing Jazzercise at least 3 times a week. I miss Jazzercise. Awesome workout, you should all try a class, they can really kick your butt: www.jazzercise.com/ (and notI didn't get anything for writing this! LOL)
This is me and my beautiful daughter on Dec. 20th at the Walnut Room at what is now Macy's on State Street in Chicago. We had an awesome day! I'll blog about that next, but for now, I need to get to bed!

Thanks for reading! Have a fabulous day!